by PlopCorn Staff 8/5/16

Who will you be voting for in the American presidential election this coming fall?

Are you going to cast your ballot for Montana Max‘s grandpa?

Perhaps you want Hillary Clinton to win?

Maybe you are disappointed that Larry David’s political career never realized its full potential.

Here at the offices of PlopCorn, we’ve decided on our pick for the 2016 election: Doug Dasani.

Eat your heart out, Diane Arbus.

Take a good look at him, folks, because Doug Dasani is the future. Doug doesn’t need to resort to petty name-calling, race baiting, or Twitter feuds. Doug won’t be bullied by misogynistic mutant creeps who can’t accept that a lady is on the cusp of being elected to the highest office in the land. Doug certainly won’t be shaken by idealistic but highly insular youngsters who throw childish hissy fits when their candidate isn’t elected.

Why? Because Doug is a plastic bottle with a taped-on napkin cape. Doug is a vessel into which your ideas, feelings, values, and cheap hooch can flow. Doug is also great at dealing with people who need to vent their bladders spleens, and if the ascent of the angry orange troll doll has taught us anything, it’s that a great deal of America is seriously at risk for hypertension.

Doug is about as transparent as they get: there’s generally no mistaking what Doug is made up of. Doug supports the uninhibited flow of resources to constituents thirsty for change and proposes to put a cap on those who already have more than enough. Like one of Doug’s opponents, Doug shares a critical lack of knowledge about the political situation in Ukraine.

Vote for a change this November. Join PlopCorn in our support for Doug Dasani—water you gonna do otherwise?